Mayoral Mad-Libs (thanks to Anna Tarkov)
If I am elected mayor of Chicago, I promise that this city will
Under my watch, the public school system will become the next-ranked district in the state. We will hire only the most unionized teachers and administrators, and make certain that students are provided with all the permits they need to achieve their potential.
No more will our children have to fear going to school, as I will personally work with the Chicago Police Department and its new Superintendent, Anthony Abbate, to crack down on the violent crime problem in this city. I pledge that for every outdoor crime that occurs within city limits, I will personally appoint a new advisor to recommend solutions.
I will also begin to address the rampant corruption in the city. This problem has been with us for far too many news articles. The only people who will benefit from my administration will be donors. I've already gotten assurances from the Chicago Young Republicans and Ben Joravsky that they will be on their best behavior.
In short, if you do me the honor of voting for me, I will work at least half of every day to earn your trust and respect.